


Of Respawns and question marks.

by Malaise_Incarnate



Category: DreamSMP, Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon deaths au, Death, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Loneliness, Not that much comfort, Respawns, Sad TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Suffer gremlin, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Suicide Attempt, but its there at the end, secret santa gift, self-deprecating thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:09:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28235961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malaise_Incarnate/pseuds/Malaise_Incarnate
Summary: In a world where everyone is born with their number of respawns on their wrist, Tommy is an anomaly.He's abandoned by his parents and treated as an outcast at the orphanage because of this.The SBI take him in when he's seven years old, and he eventually moves to Dreams land with Wilbur when he's fifteen.Tommy tells no one there of his secret.They're all normal, he's not.They all have numbers printed on their skin, he doesn't.All Tommy has is a single, black question mark.Maybe the mark is bad luck. Maybe it caused Tubbo to exile him.Tommy just wants it all to end, but no matter how many times he kills himself, it never sticks.He just can't die.Tommy is frustrated, alone and so, so tired.The question mark silently taunts him.-----Follows the events of the DreamSMP, but with the added twist of the number of canon deaths a person has being displayed on their wrist.
Relationships: Technoblade & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, TommyInnit & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Wilbur Soot & Technoblade & TommyInnit & Phil Watson, Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit
Comments: 25
Kudos: 637
Collections: Completed stories I've read, the writer's block's Secret Santa





	Of Respawns and question marks.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dullrockets](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dullrockets/gifts).



> This story was written as a secret Santa present for the wonderful Dullrockets, and I really hope he enjoys this mess of a fic <3
> 
> ALSO, PLEASE HEAD THE TAGS! There are mentions of triggering things in here, so please don't read if you know it will negatively effect you.  
> Stay safe everyone, ily :)

Every player has at least three lives, that's just common knowledge. 

A few minutes after a baby is born, they undergo a process called _Emergence_ , where a number appears on their wrist. This number is extremely important, as it determines how many respawns the child will have, lasting throughout their entire lifetime. 

The most common number to have is three, but it’s possible to be born with higher numbers. It's said that the higher the number, the more risky and adventurous the child will be, and they will therefore live a more fulfilling life than low numbers. 

Of course, that’s only superstition, and said superstition is not always true. Lower-numbers can live happier lives as they are cautious and use their time wisely, while higher-numbers tend to be more risky, usually blowing through their respawns like candy on Halloween. 

Despite this, everyone hopes that their child will receive a high-number, and pity any who are gifted with less than three.

Tommy, however, was different. 

He'd been told the story of his own Emergence by his parents so many times in his younger years, that he'd managed to memories it. It had been practically _drilled_ into his head after years of them grumbling about it. The story went like this; 

When Tommy was born, his parents had eagerly waited for his number to form. They sat with him swaddled in his dad's arms, little wrists poking out so they could immediately spot his number forming. 

But after twenty minutes went by and there was no sign of a number, they started to panic. What if he had no respawns? It was rare, but it did happen. 

Those born without respawns are called the 'Lifeless', and they’re shunned by those with respawns, the ‘Players’, and treated as lesser beings. There were rumour's that those without respawns were born without souls, leading to the gods denying them the power of respawns, and condemning them to exile from those in their favor. These rumours led to the Lifeless being treated even worse than the Hybrids!

Eventually, the Lifeless took the hint, and started forming villages of their own, far away from the discrimination and hate of the Players, who avoided those villages like the plague.

Tommy's parents fretted, nervously checking his wrists every few minutes, and, after an hour of waiting in tense suspense, his father let out a cry of joy at the sight of a black shape beginning to form on the babes inner left wrist. The emergence had begun. They both let out deep sighs of relief, and squinted at the newborns wrist, trying to make out what number it was. 

An eight? No, the lines didn’t connect properly.

A three? No, it wasn’t that curly.

Oh well, it didn't really matter, as long as their child wasn't a freak, then they were happy with any number, even one less than a three! 

They smiled at each other, relaxed, and started up a quiet conversation, letting the number have another few minutes to settle. Finally, the conversation pittered off, and they both unanimously decided to look again at his wrist.

They turned the infant's arm over, determined to love him no matter what number he had, but nothing could have prepared them for the sight that greeted them

Tommy's mother let out a high pitched scream, and his father stared in shocked horror.

The thing branded on their son's wrist wasn't a number, it was a _symbol_.

Standing out harshly against little Tommy's pale white skin, was a solid black question mark.

\----------

Tommy was dumped at the orphanage at six years old, and with how many times his parents had shown their disgust towards him, the only thing he was surprised about was the fact it hadn't happened sooner. 

The kids there had been nice at first, probably because Tommy had hid his freakishness with a piece of fabric he'd ripped from one of his shirts. He’d received nice enough food, had a good room which he shared with another boy, and had plenty of friends to play with him. Tommy’s outgoing nature also meant that people were drawn to him, and he became popular fairly quickly. He was happy there, for the first time in his short life, Tommy felt _safe_ , he felt _loved_. 

But as the saying goes; all good things must come to an end. After a couple of weeks, one of the meaner kids, Jason, became jealous of Tommy and all the attention he was receiving, and he decided to do something about it. He studied Tommy, trying to find some kind of blackmail, or just anything he could use to persuade people to turn on him. After a while, he noticed how Tommy always covered his wrist. It was then that Jason remembered that no one knew what Tommy’s number was -in fact, it was a popular source of gossip among the inhabitants of the orphanage. 

A cruel smile made its way across the boy’s face as he watched Tommy play with a group of children. He'd caught onto Tommy's weakness, and he was _more_ than willing to exploit it. 

Jason and his friends cornered Tommy the next day. They taunted him.

_“Why do you hide your number?"_

_"I bet it's because yours is less than three, isn’t it?”_

_"Pathetic."_

_“Maybe he’s a filthy Lifeless!”_

_“Freak!”_

They pinned him to the wall, and Jason ripped the cloth off of Tommy’s wrist. They gawked at the exposed question mark, before laughing and running off to tell the other kids. 

That day, everyone at the orphanage found out the truth about Tommy. His 'friends' started avoiding him, and the bullying picked up, more people joining in. The staff didn't even bother to step in anymore, turning a blind eye to the blatant harassment, which only encouraged his tormentors even more. 

It escalated, turning from passing insults and the occasional shove, to being spat on and full on punched wherever he went. It just got worse and worse, until one day, eight months later, Tommy finally reached his limit. 

He was _sick_ of sleeping on the hard floor every night. 

He was _tired_ from eating almost nothing every day.

And he was _done_ with being treated like a personal punching bag, beaten black and blue all the bloody time! 

Tommy packed up his meager belongings, and determinedly set off in the middle of the night. He had practically no survival skills, but the now seven year old didn't care, anywhere was better than that shithole.

\----------

Unlike other people, Tommy didn't trust easily. It wasn't that strange if you knew his past, what, with him being abandoned by his parents and betrayed at the orphanage, but, once again, he didn’t trust easily, so not many people knew why Tommy was the way he was.

Phil had found Tommy a couple of days after he’d left the orphanage. 

On the first day, the boy had walked for hours into the woods, taking occasional twists and turns to throw any pursuers off his tail, even though he knew that no one would bother to search for him. 

He had run into a river on day two, and had greedily drunk large mouthfuls, before setting off again, this time following the river upstream. 

Day three his stomach had begun to grumble. Even though Tommy was barely able to eat at the orphanage, he still received regular amounts of food, and his stomach was beginning to protest the lack of it now. He ignored it and kept going.

On day four he had gotten sick of the constant noise the river made, and headed back into the cover of the trees. Tommy had spotted a rabbit at one point, but he didn’t have anything to kill it with, so he left it alone. 

Day five his tiredness finally caught up to him. He hadn't eaten in days, and his ankle was still sore from being stepped on. Tommy found a large oak tree on the outskirts of a clearing. It offered good cover deciding to sleep there for the night. 

It was there that Phil found him, curled up and shivering in the morning breeze, body desperately trying to conserve warmth. He couldn't believe his eyes at first. Why would a child be out in the middle of the woods at five in the morning? Phil was only out here to collect firewood, they had run out back home and he didn't want his sons getting to cold. 

His sons. 

The young figure reminded him of them, and Phil wondered once again why the boy was out here all alone. Where were his parents? His guardians? 

Phil cautiously approached the sleeping figure, noticing how pale and thin he seemed. 

"Hello?" Phil whispered. No reply. He tried again, this time louder "Hello?" 

This time worked. The boy jolted awake, gasping silently for breath, eyes locked with Phil's. 

"Woah, calm down mate, it's alright, I'm not going to hurt you!" 

Phil raised his hands in a placating manner, and lowered himself to the ground so he was face to face with the boy. "Hi there, my name's Phil, what's yours?" 

Silence.

"That's okay, you don't need to tell me, I am a stranger after all, your guardians probably told you not to speak to them, speaking of, uh, I was just wondering what you were doing out here all alone?"

The boys said nothing, continuing to eye Phil, distrust prominent in his expression. Phil chuckled, before sitting down on the grass, making sure to keep some distance from the boy. 

Phil decided to make him feel more comfortable around him, so he started rattling on about his sons and their home in the woods, along with a few of the more interesting adventures he'd been on. Slowly, the boy uncurled himself from his little ball and sat up straighter, gaze filled with awe and almost… longing the more he talked. 

Phil was interrupted in the middle of a story about how he had once saved a village from a dragon (the dragon was actually very nice, he had just been stealing sheep because he was hungry), the culprit nervously fiddling with his mark covering, which Phil's eyes were immediately drawn to.

"Tommy."

"I- what?"

He looked back at the boy, Tommy's, face. Blue orbs stared determinedly up at him, almost challenging him. The seven year old decided to explain himself.

"My name's Tommy, and I ran away from the orphanage because they hurted me."

"....it's nice to meet you Tommy. I'm sorry they treated you that way."

At that moment, Tommy's stomach started grumbling, apparently fed up with being ignored.

"You must be hungry, Tom's." 

The casual use of a nice nickname made Tommy feel warm inside, back at the orphanage he was just called names like 'Freak' and 'Demon'. 

"If you want you can come back to my home for some breakfast? I promise that nothing bad will happen to you there."

Tommy thought about it for a minute, before speaking up.

"Will you tell me the rest of the story?"

Phil laughed.

"Tom's," That nickname again. "If you come with me, I'll tell you as many stories as you want!"

"So, that's a yes?"

"Definitely!" Phil smiled fondly at the boy. He stood up, Tommy copying him, before gently taking the child's hand in his own. "Let's head back now, otherwise Techno and Wilbur will get worried."

Phil had entered the woods that morning with only a mission to find firewood, and a warm jumper to fight the cold. He left it with a pile of kindling, and a new child in tow.

It seemed like Phil just had a knack for collecting strange orphans. 

\----------

Tommy, of course, never ended up leaving. He hit it off immediately with Techno and Wilbur, who understood what he'd been through (but not really, they didn't know about _it_ ), and they didn't patronize and pity him for it. Tommy never brought up the idea of him leaving, and so neither did Phil. 

Soon Tommy was a constant staple in their lives, and it became hard to imagine a time when he wasn't in the sleepy bois inc, when he wasn't in their little family. Tommy felt more and more guilty with every day that passed where he didn't tell them about his freakish mark. He kept putting it off, reasoning that it didn't matter yet, but deep down he knew it was because he was afraid they'd abandon him too.

It had to happen at some point, however, and one day Wilbur and Techno were talking about respawns, and the topic of number-marks came into play. Tommy didn't escape fast enough, and Techno turned to him, asking;

" _What number do you have Tommy?"_

Tommy looked between his two big brothers. He knew the rest of the family was normal, Phil and Wilbur having three respawns, and Techno having five, and he didn't want to disappoint them with his freakishness. He panicked, running off to his room. 

Phil came in a bit later and sat down gently on the bed, Tommy sobbing into his pillow. Phil rubbed soothing patterns on Tommy's back until the sniffling trailed off.

"You wanna tell me what happens bud?" Phil asked softly. Tommy let out another loud sniffle, and Phil handed him a box of tissues. Eventually Tommy calmed down enough to speak.

"I-i want to, but you have to promise me s-something first. Do you- do you promise you won't h-hate me when I show you?"

"Of course I promise!"

Tommy fidgeted with the cloth around his wrist for a bit, before gently pulling it off, revealing his mark to Phil. Phil let out a quiet gasp, but quickly began to reassure Tommy when he saw the boy had begun to shake again, tears welling in his eyes.

"Oh Tom's, I don't care that you're different, that just makes you unique! I'd never hate you, or _anyone_ for something so dumb as a respawn mark! It's out of your control, and there's nothing wrong with you. You'll always be my Tommy, okay?"

"Do you really mean that? I-i'm just a freak!"

"Tommy, look at me," Phil's voice took on a dangerous edge, Tommy obeyed him, meeting Phil's soft but stern eyes. "Don't you ever, _ever_ say that about yourself. I don't know what they told you, but they were _wrong_ , got it? I will say it a hundred times until you finally believe it; I love you Tommy. You are not a freak, you are my son, and I _love_ you, understand? I. **Love**. You."

Tommy stared at Phil, open mouthed for a few moments, but Phil didn't take it back, didn't say he was joking. Crying, Tommy flung himself into Phil's open arms, happy to have finally found someone who cared for him despite his weirdness. Someone who _loved_ him.

Later that day, Phil had a serious talk with his other two sons, and made them promise to never ask about Tommy's mark unless he brought it up first. They agreed of course. Phil's scary when he's being serious.

\----------

Years passed, and when Tommy was fifteen he decided to leave home with Wilbur. Phil bear hugged them both and made Will swear to look after Tommy, and Techno gave Tommy a stealthy side hug, before locking him in a chokehold and aggressively messing with his hair. 

They headed to a recently formed, small country, which was led by a man named Dream. Apparently Techno knew him, having had an epic battle with him once, but with how many fights and conquests Techno had, it was hard for Tommy to remember them all. 

The self-proclaimed 'country' was incredibly small, only around forty residents occupying the land. Because of this, the leader, Dream, interacted with the people incredibly often, usually seen playing pranks or games with the people. The people there were nice. No one bragged about their soul number or teased those with low ones, they even welcomed people like Nikki, who had no respawns! It was nice there, but Tommy still kept his mark covered, he couldn't risk it, couldn't risk the kindness of these people.

Tommy became best friends with one of said residents; a boy his age named Tubbo. Tubbo had no problem showing his mark, a proud ' _3_ ' on display for all to see, but he also never asked why Tommy's was always covered either, respecting his privacy, which was probably the main reason Tommy liked him, despite his weird obsession with bees.

Tommy had brought his discs with him. They had been gifts, one from Phil on the anniversary of his finding (which they'd also made his birthday), and the other as a collective present from all of the Sbi during the latest Christmas. Tommy loved them, treasured them. They were a reminder of his family and their love, so when that green wearing, mask clad fucker stole them, Tommy was _extremely_ pissed off. 

Of course, Wilbur, always one from the dramatics, decided that they should get revenge on Dream -by starting their own, _better_ nation. 

That pissed the green bitch off too, and not long afterwards, he declared war on the nation of L'Manberg. People joined Tommy and Wilbur, they made friends and defended the lands of L'Manberg together. No one expected for there to be a traitor.

A few weeks later, Tommy died for the first time in his life. 

It was nowhere near the last. 

The question mark on his wrist remained resolutely unchanged.

\----------

They had won. Well, not really, but L'Manberg was free, it was independent, that was enough to be considered a win for them. Somewhere along the line, L'Manberg had stopped being a joke, turning into something they all believed in. Of course, Tommy had to sacrifice his discs to win said independence, but it was worth it, even though he noticed their absence like a missing limb. 

It was fine.

He was fine.

All was fine for a while. They rebuilt, they prospered, knew people joined but… but there was unrest among the citizens. It was faint, but it was there. 

_Why were Wilbur and Tommy in charge?_

Wilbur caught wind of this, and set it in his mind to reassure the public by holding a democratic election. His plan was to close the ballot before any other parties could enter, so he enrolled them as 'Pog2020' as a joke, but, well that failed. Three other party's entered, but Tommy wasn't concerned, people still trusted him and Wilbur more than the others.

He was proven wrong at the election.

They _lost_.

Worse, they lost by _one_ percent.

Schlatts' words echoed through his mind.

**_"My first decree, as emperor of the great country! Is to revoke! The citizenships! Of Wilbur soot, and Tommy Innit!"_ **

They turned on him. The people he'd considered allies, friends, chased him out of his country, his home. It was like history was repeating itself. They killed Wilbur, taking another of his precious three lives.

He and Wilbur set up base in a ravine, called it Pogtopia as tribute to their party, and they hid. Upset and feeling hurt, Tommy wrote to Techno, begging him to come and help them fight, but Wilbur started to go crazy. He didn't want L'Manberg back, he wanted it to be _destroyed_. Tommy thought Techno would help, but he only encouraged Wilbur further, and then Dream gave the madman eleven and a half stacks of fucking TNT! Tommy thought that was as bad as it could get, but then the festival happened. 

Techno _murdered_ Tubbo.

His older brother killed his best friend.

They fought in the pit over it. Tommy knew he didn't stand a chance, but he was _angry_. He was alone. At least that's what he thought, but people were unhappy with Schlatt, the festival was the breaking point. They turned on the President, joining Pogtopia's side. They geared up, ready to battle Dream, his friends and Schlatt. 

In the end, the old goat died of a stupid heart attack, taking the the last laugh with him to hell. 

They'd done it, L'Manberg was theirs's again, Tubbo was president and Schlatt was gone, surely Wilbur was happy now?

The following explosion answered his question. 

The button room was exposed, and there, standing beside Wilbur, was Phil. His dad was here, surely he could fix this? 

He stabbed Wilbur right in the heart.

Wilbur crumbled into their fathers arms, smiling the whole time. His last life was gone, the three on his wrist faded and blurred, a red cross covered it.

The withers roared and the screams of the people didn't stop. Tommy wondered how it had come to this.

\----------

It was… peaceful with Tubbo as president. There were no wars, no fighting, people were happy. L'Manberg had been built anew, and Dream didn't bother them. Only one thing was wrong, Tubbo didn't seem to want to spend time with him anymore. He was too caught up in his Presidential duties to entertain Tommy, and that was fine. That was okay. Tommy wasn't selfish. 

_But it still hurt_.

He didn't know why he burnt down George's house. Tommy didn't mean to, but he didn't stop the flames either. It was just supposed to be a funny thing to bond with his new friend, Ranboo, he didn't mean to make Dream angry.

The obsidian walls surrounding the walls of L'Manberg seemed to be the last straw for Tubbo, and after being pressured by Dream, he exiled Tommy. 

Tubbo _exiled_ Tommy. 

He didn't even listen to Tommy's side of the story. 

" **_The Discs don't matter Tomm_ ** **_y_ ** **_!_** "

Tubbo trusted Dream more than his best friend. Ex-best friend? Tommy didn't know, didn't care enough to ask. His chest felt heavy, and there was a permanent lump in his throat as Dream escorted him far away from Tubbo and his country, which was more important to him than Tommy. 

Dream left Tommy alone with Ghostbur, an ocean away from his friends. They got to work building a shelter.

\----------

Tommy hated Logstedshire. He was alone there, his only visitors being his dead brothers ghost, and the one who put him there in the first place. Dream threatened to kill him of he tried to go back. He thought that Tommy had three lives, and he promised to take his last one if he tried to leave. Tommy didn't bother to correct him. What would be the point? The bastard didn't deserve to know about his mark anyways, didn't need more ammo to fuel Tommy's sadness with.

Dream started to visit less and less, seemingly content with the knowledge that Tommy wasn't going to try and escape. This only made Tommy feel worse. He sunk into a state of depressions spending days lying in his bed, unwilling to move. After no on showed up to his beach party, the thing he'd spent hours preparing for, Tommy gave up. He'd had enough. No one wanted him. No one cared about him. 

He tied a heavy rock to his foot and waded out into the ocean until he was completely submerged. 

He died. 

He respawned.

Frustrated, Tommy did it again and again and again, trying more ways to kill himself, to end it, but nothing worked. Every time he tried, he'd just wake up again in his bed, The question mark taunted him, and Tommy scratched at it, but it stayed, staring up at him, a constant reminder of how he was a mistake. He couldn't even kill himself correctly!

Tommy figures that he has to die in someway that can't easily be reversed. Fall damage, drowning and bleeding out all happened relatively quickly, and it was easy for respawn magic to reverse the damage done. He remembers Phil telling him about a war he once fought in in a snow biome. Soldiers would drop dead, and if they weren't warmed up in time they wouldn't respawn. They would permanently die. Tommy wasn't exactly sure why that happened, but it was most likely because nothing can stop the weather. If mother nature herself wants you dead, then you're gone, at least that's what he hoped.

He packed up all of his valuables, and placed them in chests under the house Wilbur has made. Of course, that was when Dream, his only certain friend showed up. He got angry when he found Tommy's chests, didn't notice his suicide notes, and blew everything up. Tommy begged him to stop, but he didn't. Now even Dream hated him, his only friend. He abandoned Tommy, like all those before him. He went back through the nether portal in a rage, leaving Tommy in the crater of Logsted.

It was an endless cycle.

He trusts someone.

They say they love him.

They learn more about him.

They _betray_ him.

They **_hurt_ ** him.

Tommy just wanted it to end.

He set off into the snow, determined to stop it all, to finally receive a permanent death. 

Maybe he'd be happy like Ghostbur. Maybe people would finally like him. Maybe they wouldn't leave him. Maybe the mark would finally disappear. Maybe he'd stop being such a fucking FAILURE! 

The cold snow sinks into him, and he waits for his, hopefully final, death.

\----------

Techno finds his body a few meters away from his house. He brings him inside and warms him up, determined to heal him. He finds scars all over Tommy's body, evidence of self harm everywhere. Techno was _not_ going to lose another brother. It was with a heavy heart that Techno looked at his brother's mark, scared to see a blurry and faded number, but the sight of a decidedly not-faded question mark both confused and gladdened him. He contacts Phil, unsure of what to do, and his dad arrives with Ghostbur in tow. Together, the family cares for their youngest, nursing him back to health and making a plan for his recovery, both mental and physical.

When Tommy wakes he's surrounded by people who love him. He doesn't believe them when they tell them that though, especially since his freakishness was now out in the open for them all to see.

It takes a while for their patient words to sink in, it seemed surreal that they would still love him despite knowing the truth. It was Phil's reminder of the promise he'd made to Tommy's seven year old self that finally convinced him that they didn't hate him, they didn't think he was a mistake. For the first time since his first exile, Tommy feels safe. He tells them everything, including the multiple times he tried to kill himself. They were horrified, wondering how they had helped pushed Tommy to this, how they hadn't noticed or stepped in. They gave Tommy time, and were always there if he needed to talk about how he was feeling, giving him advice and encouragement when required. He was never left unsupervised, none of them wanting to risk loosing him.

It took weeks for Tommy to stop feeling like he wanted it all to end, and his family were there with him through it all. After weeks of reassurances and compliments, Tommy didn't care about his mark anymore, and he had it uncovered, wearing it with pride. It was a symbol of his uniqueness, of all the struggles he'd been through. It was a sign that he was _**strong.**_

Tommy didn't care about what everyone else would think, what Tubbo would think, since his family was there for him.

They had each other, and that was all that mattered.

  
  
  
  


**_End._ **

**Author's Note:**

> Kinda rushed but I'm an hour over the due date and I want to gift this as soon as possible.  
> If you see this fic has updated further on, then it's probably because I've edited it heavily, or something new has happened on the server and I want to include it in this au.  
> For now though, I'm happy with how this turned out.  
> I hope you all enjoyed (especially you Tommie <3), and I wish you all a merry Christmas and a safe New Year!


End file.
